Day 1

DAY 1

    Today I discovered that I have been lying to myself for years now. As I think about it, we all lie to ourselves everyday. Especially as women. We tell ourselves little white lies every day like; the clothes just got a little tight in the wash, comfy clothes are just for comfort, cravings, even buying clothes that you think you will where. There are a number of white lies and excuses. All these situations are things that happen as women but they also are a crutch. A crutch that was passed down to us and passed down to them.  Don't get me wrong I believe that size doesn't matter and everyone is unique and beautiful. I just came to a realization of how much I lie to myself and how big the lies have gotten. 

    The little white lies have turned into big lies. For example, I have clothes in my closet that I have saved for when I start working out and loose weight. Yet I don't doing anything to make that change. I continue to buy clothes for the size I'm at. I also tell myself that I will eat better. I even got the food in my fridge, yet i constantly get fast food. I feel like I am a walking oxymoron. But I have also decided that I am sick of it. I'm not rich, I don't have good money to hire people to help me with my issues. I have the loved ones who surround me and encourage me.  I also have myself which is the most destructive or supportive person of them all.  

   The first step for myself is realizing exactly how messed up my life is and accepting it. The lies come from the shame and denial that is within me. Whether it comes from being self- conscious or  denying that your relationship with your father will never be the same. Accepting the things that have happened to you whether you had anything to do with it or not is a step towards healing and getting rid of the lies. This has to be one of the hardest steps especially for being the beginning. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it but push through and come out stronger.  

     Ill go first. I have a decently screwed up life that has also become one of my crutches. Please do not read this and start to feel sorry for me. Everyone has obstacles and crap they deal with in life these just happen to be mine. 

    It all started before I was even 1. My biological (that's going to be an important word) parents got a divorce. My step mom came around before I could even gather memories. She married my dad when I was two. It turned out my step mom couldn't have kids. They decided to do foster adapt. My step mom had a wonderful spot in her heart for kids who had different challenges and disabilities. At first It was challenging as a seven year old kid figuring out why other kids started invading my home but it turned into a good thing. Through this my step mom and dad inherited 8 "unwanted" children that they adopted. Whom are my family and I love with all my heart. During all of this my mom had another baby with a man who became my step dad and my first little sister.  Even though my parents had divorced and remarried, they were still okay with each other. Even though some people thought it was weird my mom and step mom became really good friends. Which sucked on my side as a kid because i couldn't get away with anything! There were rough patches through the years especially with having such a diverse family. It was all okay though because we came through as a family or so i thought...